Video Game Review: Final Fantasy XV

I’ve been a fan of the Final Fantasy series from the time I first played Final Fantasy VII as a teenager. Since that time, I’ve played through all of the main series games from I to XV, and have replayed most of the games several times over.

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A note to the player at the beginning of Final Fantasy XV declares that this is “A Final Fantasy for fans and first-timers.” Since I definitely fall in the fan category, I’ll be looking at how the game measures up to the other Final Fantasy games.

The Story

Final Fantasy XV tells the tale of Noctis, heir to the throne of Insomnia. His father’s kingdom has been at war with the oppressive Imperial army when the game opens, and in the early moments Noctis sets out on a lighthearted roadtrip with his friends to attend his wedding to Lunafreya, a union that will bring peace to the world.

As far as the story goes it is very solid, and full of final fantasy tropes, but plays it pretty safe. My favorite Final Fantasies are the ones with complex and bizarre plots. It gets there at the end, but overall, the story is very tight and is one of the only Final Fantasy plots I understood on the first playthrough. I think part of that was due to the tight story (which only takes about 25 hours of gameplay to complete), but also in large part due to the fact that the second half of the game doesn’t allow you to get lost or get distracted by sidequests. You stay focused on the story, which I found perplexing at first, but ultimately I really liked it because it let me experience the story in a way I rarely do with video games, because I wanted to see what would happen next more than I wanted to get to the next level or fight the next boss.

The game is basically on rails for the second half of the story missions. It’s weird, but it works. And it’s not as limiting as it sounds, because you can go back to the overworld after completing the main story. It’s really the best of both worlds. Solid storytelling and open world freedom—just not always at the same time.

The World

The world itself and the graphics in general are beautiful, as we’ve come to expect from all Final Fantasy games. And as you’d expect from the latest entry in the series, it has some of the best graphics of any game to date.

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I’ll get into this more later, but the open world was one of the things the game bragged about the most. Launching on the heels of the poorly-received FFXIII, which was criticized for being on rails, FFXV makes a point of letting you traverse an open world. But while the world is open, you are on the rails of the Regalia, Noctis’ car. The vehicle is used for transportaion, but you can’t actually drive, so you loose the magic of earlier Final Fantasy games. The world felt truly open and epic in those games because you could fly to any point you wanted at any time in an airship, and you got a view of the larger world and how its locales were connected.

While FFXV does feature multiple continents, and the cultures on other continents feels authentically foreign, these other continents are only accessible at certain times in the story, and not accessible by car, i.e., not part of the limited open world. Think about it–how restricted would you feel in real life if you could never go anywhere you couldn’t drive? That’s what it feels like in the game. There is plenty to do and see, but you know you’re missing something across the sea.

Gameplay and Combat

Combat in FFXV is really fun. As heir to the throne, Noctis is favored by the gods and essentially gets super powers. He is able to wield super strong weapons that his ancestors once fought with, and he has an awesome warping ability which lets him teleport out of—or into—danger. Magic is pretty bad in this game, even when the skill is developed, because it’s a limited resource. This was disappointing for me as I’m a black mage at heart and always choose the mage/wizard in any RPG when given the option. But Noctis has his own powers which are very magical and awesome, especially in the later fights. You get put in positions where his warping ability has an opportunity to shine. If I had it to do over, I would focus on the warping ability from the start as it was my favorite part of combat.

In addition to Noctis’ abilities, he also relies on his three companions to perform teamwork abilities that are stronger than the characters’ individual attacks. I neglected these abilities at first, but as I got farther in the game, these attacks became essential.

The Car

imagesA huge theme of this game is “friends on a road trip.” This means that a lot of time is spent in the car. And this brings me to one of the things that really bothered me about this game. You can’t actually drive the car. That’s right. There’s an auto mode that makes you wait as you watch the car drive for several minutes through the countryside. It’s an obvious ploy to make you appreciate the scenery, which is a great idea, but is frustratingly boring after the second car trip. There’s also a manual mode, but the manual part is that you control the accelerator and brakes, except you max out at a low top speed and auto-break and steer when you approach the edge of the road or any obstacle. So the car is essentially on rails at all times. I would be fine with this if it only happened once in a while, but it happens all the time, and I am still finding myself stuck in the car even as I clean up sidequests after completing the main story.

And this leads me to my number one most frustrating experience with Final Fantasy XV…

I was cruising down the road on a long drive headed for a level 25 story mission. About halfway to the destination I was super bored and the characters suggested we stop for a break to do a side mission. I was sick of driving so I agreed to stop the car. This involved doing a U-turn and driving farther away from the distant story mission. When we got to the sidequest, we were instantly swarmed by level 47 soldiers and level 30+ creatures. I ended up wasting items I needed for the story mission just trying to run back to the car. Then when I reached the car, so much time had passed that the sun had set. At night in this world overpowered demons take over, so I then got swarmed by said overpowered demons. The idea is to camp at night to avoid getting massacred, but at this point I was so off track that I didn’t care about what I was supposed to do, I just wanted to get to the $#%@ story mission. There were no camps within walking distance, and the car was blocked by a demon, so after dying and reloading, and eventually waiting til morning, I finally got back on the road and the characters immediately asked to stop again to take a photo. I understand the road trip idea, but driving on rails and camping just slows the game down without adding anything valuable to the experience.

The “Open” Road

The road trip theme is cool in theory, but in reality it’s just boring. Stopping at night further breaks the game’s flow and often just made me impatient and frustrated.
A lot of people said they bonded with the characters while camping or on the road, but a majority of the discussions are hollow dialogue about things like whether Prompto has a shot with the scantily clad mechanic, Cindy, who is probably the most prominent and frequently reoccurring female character in the game other than the leading lady Lunafreya, who rarely appears outside of flashbacks. And wow is Cindy scantily clad. She works on cars in a bikini covered by short shorts and a tiny, tiny jacket that allows her “cleavage” (is it called cleavage if most of the girls are visible?) to lean into the windshield when she wipes the car down every time you bring it in for service. This is even more offensive because there are so few female characters in the game. The only male character who shows close to as much skin is Gladio, but his open shirt suits his carefree tough-guy character. The only thing Cindy’s clothing choice confirms is that the fans and first-timers this game is cindyaimed at are clearly intended to be prepubescent boys, which is a huge turnoff to everyone who doesn’t fall into that category.

The Four Warriors

In addition to the car, the lack of diversity in playable characters was a major turn-off for me. As a gay man, I’ve never felt comfortable around boys-will-be-boys locker room talk settings like the one fostered by the leading boys of the game. I don’t expect to see representation of every type of person in every game, but not even seeing a female playable character makes me and and any one else who’s not a heteronormative guy feel weird and even unwelcome on this brotrip.

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Diversity is super important in all media, but it’s especially crucial in fantasy. One of the most prominent fantasy tropes is the team of unlikely heroes of various backgrounds coming together to fight off evil in the world. Elves and dwarves, magic users and mage haters, the list goes on and on. This has been represented in almost all Final Fantasy games as well, with the excitement of meeting new characters along the way and selecting a party you want to travel with. But here we are stuck with these four guys of the same age, background, etc. Maybe I’m just spoiled by games like Dragon Age Inquisition where I was able to have an all queer characters party, but I was disappointed by the lack of diversity and the lack of choice in the characters. Also, the four leading boys wear all black, and this was just one more monotone in a flat character palate. I didn’t know the difference between Ignis and Prompto until the final chapters.

Aren’t RPGs supposed to be about playing out a role, imagining yourself as part of a story? When there are so many barriers to seeing yourself in a story, it’s hard to connect on anything more than a superficial level.

The Bad Guy

The villain is great and reminded me of Kafka from FFVI. He is sick and twisted, and has a great backstory. He gets super creepy in the final chapters, and at one point it feels like you’re trapped in one of the Saw movies. This kind of threw the tone from fantasy to horror for a moment, but it was really only an interlude so I think the variety was actually pretty cool in retrospect. There is a tradition in the series of combining elements of different genres.

Post-Story Content

The First thing I did after I beat the story mode was to hunt down the items needed to update the Regalia into an airship. As soon as it took flight, I was able to finally steer it the way I had wanted to all along. Looking down on the landscape, free from the frustrating monotony of the roads that I couldn’t really drive on, was a great feeling. It was pure joy. Many of the best Final Fantasy games have featured this type of transportation, often as the primary means to get around the world. It’s a great addition to the game and I will be flying the Regalia instead of “driving” it on all the sidequests I have yet to complete. Still, I was disappointed I couldn’t fly through the whole game. This would have turned the often frustrating and boring driving segments into fun, exciting, and nostalgic moments.

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A Place in the Series

In trying to determine how FFXV stacks up to the rest of the series, I reevaluated my own rankings. At first, I made a list of all the games and put them in two categories, “good” and “great.” But then I crossed off those categories and replaced them with “classic” and “unique.” “Classic” being the games about crystals and four warriors of light that recycle and update the classic Final Fantasy story and mechanics, and “unique” was for games that tread into new territory.

Some of these games that tried new things include FFII, which fell flat in my opinion, and more recently, FFXIII, which tried a lot of new things and was not very well received. But it tried. Other games I put in the “unique” category include some of the most beloved entries in the series, like VI and VII, proving that sometimes the risk of straying from the known can lead to the creation of something monumental.

After a lot of thought, I placed FFXV in the “classic” category. There are crystals and four warriors, and even the character progression isn’t really new, using the modern staple of the sphere grid mechanic.

Conclusion

The lack of character choice, and female characters in general, feels like a huge leap backwards for any modern game, dragging down what would otherwise be a perfect modern adaption of a classic series. That lack of inclusivity, in combination with the often frustrating raod trip, hinders what could have been one of the best entries in the franchise. As it stands, Final Fantasy XV is another impressive, yet flawed game in an amazing series.

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Book Reaction: Wilde Stories 2016

31310785This is the kind of book that you read all at once and then keep close at hand to keep referring back to. 2016 was a great year for gay spec fic, with stories by veterans in the field such as Richard Bowes, and new-comers who are on their way to becoming the next big thing, like Sam J. Miller. The stories collected here are wonderfully diverse, from spaces of the imagination in the near future to the surreal.

These stories were largely published in major magazines originally, so I’d read a few of them before. But this collection is valuable in itself because it is a wealth of brilliant spec fic stories featuring gay characters. So often I feel strung along by bromantic novels that end happily ever with the main bro meeting a pretty girl in the final chapters. It’s a relief to suspend that hesitance I approach every story with, not wanting to be let down yet again.

And yet despite that hesitance, or because of it, I missed many brilliant stories throughout the year, such as “Imaginary Boys” by Paul Magrs, which instantly became a new favorite. This is a great resource to discover new writers (whether they’re new or you’re new to them) in the field of gay spec fic, and just an all-around essential book for anyone who needs more gay spec fic in their lives (and who doesn’t?)

Erasure II: Reshaping the Path

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Oops! There isn’t an eraser big enough for this ball of fur

I’ve heard from a lot of people in response to my Erasure post which I wrote over a year ago about turning 30, erasing stuff, and how we’re not getting any younger so I was going to carpe all the diems, make mistakes, and learn Portuguese. One of the best responses was from one of my oldest friends, Abe, who sent me a giant eraser and some comics I drew of our group of friends in high school. Good times. Actually, the comic was aptly named: The High School Times. Anyway, Abe recently started a brilliant blog, which you can read here. And you really should because he’s a brilliant, insightful writer and all around awesome person.

So, a lot of things have happened since I wrote that Erasure post. I’m now headed toward 32, and not really worried about being 30 anymore, and the Portuguese thing got complicated. It’s actually a pretty funny story.

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Then: Novo Avenida

Last fall I went to Montreal. Hilarious story, right. Wait, here comes the funny part. I have never had a desire to learn French. While my mother and both of my sisters studied French in school, I studied Spanish. When my friends traveled to Paris in college, I studied Japanese. When I finally went to Europe, I avoided the continent all together and stopped in Ireland.

So anyway, there I was in Montreal with my Portuguese textbook, ready to use my spare time on vacation to complete the last few exercises.

Then things got French. Fast. People in Montreal that I talked to were all bilingual, but I quickly felt myself falling for the charms of the language and the culture. I’ve always dreamed of spending time in a place that would challenge me to speak another language, yet I’ve been feeling a pull back east as I get older too, and feeling like there is limited time to travel to new place while still staying connecting to all the places I’ve been. Quebec is lovely and hilly and mountainous, there are huge deciduous trees and all those wonderful things I miss about the east coast. Being in that place sparked memories of my past and reminded me of the future I’m chasing.

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Now: Comme un Gant!

So when I got back to Winnipeg, I put Novo Avenida on the shelf and enrolled in a French class. Wait, I’m not a quitter. I have justifications:

1) I got to take French for free through a government funded French for Immigrants program. It feels like I’m learning a lot faster than I was learning Portuguese through studying on my own.

2) I live in Canada. French is by far the most useful second language for me to know. It’s useful at work (when visiting Montreal) or just whenevs I feel like Frenching. That’s what they call it, right?

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The High School Times

3) I am no longer erasing. I read a book about mindsets recently, and how we can grow from mistakes. It made me see opportunity where I used to see failure. Maybe you don’t always have to erase, but can constantly improve. Such as reshaping a letter written in ink, turning a mistake into something new, not worse. So anyway, the justification is: French and Portuguese are both romance languages. Learning one will help me learn the other, and I have the ability to take French classes for free, so why not start there and build Portuguese on top of the skills I pick up along the way? It might not be the most efficient way, but how can you ever complete an objective if you’re erasing and starting over? Especially if you happen to be really indecisive and always want to try something new…

I think there was maybe a 4), but I forget.

Oh, wait, I forgot the really funny part. As in ironic funny. There is a chance I’ll be going to Brazil in the coming months. And I just might bring a French book to study while I’m there. *upside-down-smiley-face-what-a-crazy-world emoticon*

 

Book Review: Circuits & Slippers

csFirst, I have to say I was provided a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Begin honest review. Go.

This collection combines two of my favourite things—fairy tales and scifi. I’m fascinated by the intersection of fantasy and science fiction, and it’s really cool to see fairies translated into aliens, magic into technology, and ancient stories into futurescapes.

In a twitter chat with the authors recently, editor Jaylee James asked a question that strikes at the heart of the anthology:

“Do you think fairy tales will still be relevant in the distant future, or will we invent new fairy tales?”

Each story in Circuits & Slippers seeks to explore this question in some way.

Disclaimer: It’s really hard to review a collection of stories. Even in a collection by a single author, each story is a separate work with its own world, characters, and objectives. Since I can’t go into all of them here, I’ll just give you a little taste of what you can expect overall.

The anthology opens with “The Slumbering Hill,” a Sleeping Beauty retelling that sees Saira, a tech scavenger from a place called The Pits, journey across a desert to find a cozy town without tech where she discovers “fabric not yet made into clothing, seeds not yet grown, and ingredients not yet made into food.” The story is full of wonderfully imaginative details like these, and there is also a story within the story, a type of legend referred to as a “star story,” which is an answer to the earlier question as to the future of fairy tales. Anyway, the star story here is a scifi Sleeping Beauty tale that wraps up into the larger meta-narrative and comes to a satisfying conclusion that sets the perfect tone for the rest of the anthology.

The next tale is a retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk—but the beanstalk is a space elevator. This story has a similar atmosphere to the first, a wonderful blend of fable and future.

Then things take a dramatic turn with “Alone, and Palely Loitering,” which is about Galahad, who is an “automated museum curator,” an AI tasked with filling and protecting a grail with the history of Earth after its demise. While the lore it’s based on is still central, the story has a strong scifi atmosphere (in an awesome, creepy, “what happens when we’re gone?” kind of way.) Similarly, “The Last” tells the tale of the last woman from Earth, a warrior who was salvaged from the planet’s wreckage and preserved in a tower as a specimen of humanity. Her final mission…Project Rapunzel.

“CAT Beyond the Moon” mixes things up even more, with a very funny narrator who tells us about a girl named Cara who wants to attend the Newton-Nye institute, and doesn’t think she has a chance until CAT a “Creature for the Annihilation of Tragedy” comes along to help her—after getting a new pair of boots, of course. While the story is set far in the history of our own solar system, there are a lot of hilarious current references, such as the “tragic tale of the Downgrading of Pluto” which is taught to all the children in this world, and is yet another answer to the question of what fairy tales will become.

Another story that stands out is “Le Trotteur,” which takes us into a future version of the Quebecois legend of Alexis Lapointe, who in this reality is a Magskater hurling across gravity-defying tracks. The story has a fun, sporty feel because it’s driven by races and speed, yet finds time to slow down to incorporate the strong flavour of French language and culture.

“Fit for Purpose” is narrated by an android, which gives it a unique perspective, and there’s some interesting gender stuff going on here as the android is sexualized even though it doesn’t have a gender.

Another one of my favourites, “Compatible” is a hilarious and touching story about an alien studying human hair. It involves a trans human and a “more-male-than-female” alien who can’t quite be Earth-gendered. Here is an example of the humour: “I’m just now realizing how expressive eyebrows can be. Maybe humans use the hair on their head to communicate with other humans, and that’s why they’re obsessed [with it].” Maybe you have to read it in context, but trust me, when you do it’s hilarious.

These are just the stories that stood out to me, but the rest of the anthology doesn’t disappoint. There are cool scifi twists on some of the most conventional tales, like Goldilocks, Red Riding Hood, and Beauty and the Beast. And as you find yourself slipping deeper into this timeless future, it becomes clear that the stories themselves are both the questions and the answers—blending the wisdom of the past, the progress of the present, and our hope for the future. Fairy tales are timeless because, in the telling and evolving, they inspire us to push ourselves to the stars.

Circuits & Slippers comes out in paperback and kindle ebook on September 29th.

Erasing and Evolving

Abe is one of my oldest friends (as in since childhood, not as in he’s really old…) and he writes awesome stuff that you should check out on his blog. We met in kindergarten, and years later we are still erasing and evolving together. I’m still planning to write a follow-up to my original Erasure post, but this is going to be a tough act to follow after Abe’s post…

Thursdays with T

A while back my friend Will (who’s blog is awesome, seriously stop reading this right now and go check out his page) wrote about how he suddenly realized one day that he had reached a point in his life where he wasn’t expected to need erasers anymore. He gets a bit deeper on the subject but in summary, he realized that as children we are expected, heck encouraged even, to make mistakes. It’s how we learn. It’s how we grow. But then we reach adulthood and overnight we’re supposed to have our entire live worked out. No more erasers. No more do-overs.

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That post really hit home for me. Partially because I, with age 30 peeking right around the corner, am nowhere near having my life in perfect order. True, the past few years I’ve started to figure things out, but compared to the typical adulthood timeline…

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Happy Pride!

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Winnipeg Legislative Building

I fee so lucky to live in a time and place where we can be proud to be ourselves. It’s not always easy, but it is possible. Pride is special to me for a couple reasons, besides the obvious ;)

1. For many years I considered myself an ally. I was on the fringes of acceptance, but scared to come out. Then I saw representation of gay people in books (largely through Lethe Press) and stories (coming out stories and also Netflix DVDs that were delivered in discrete envelopes) and I wanted to be brave like the strong characters in these stories. Stories made me realize for the first time that I could be proud of myself, to acknowledge that I was gay and that I could be strong and happy instead of ashamed.
2. My birthday is in June. That’s it. A little anticlimactic, I know, but it feels a little magical. Another magical thing was that I first came out on a groundhog’s day, which I find pretty funny.

So anyway, I want to return the love and support I got in those early days by sharing some reading recommendations of great gay books.

Boys Like Us

This is a collection of essays by gay writers, reflecting on a diverse array of coming out stories. Some tragic, others hilarious. I kept this book by my bed for months before and after I first came out, gaining strength and courage from the stories.

I’ll Give You The Sun

by Jandy Nelson

This is a beautifully written YA novel about art, love and everything in between. I know I already said it, but the writing is so beautiful, at once satisfying and startling. This book is made of the kind of sentences that get stuck in your head like songs.

 

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Another YA novel, about love and longing, and another piece of brilliant writing. Seriously, that is enough. Go read it.

Vintage: A Ghost Story

by Steve Berman

A YA novel about a gay goth kid. Yet another beautifully written work. The haunting coming of age story is about a boy coming to terms with life, death, sexuality and the strange forces beyond us. Fast paced yet thoughtful, this novel follows some conventional ghost story/horror/suspense conventions in the best, creepiest ways while telling a refreshingly unique story.

Otherbound

by Corrinne Duyvis

Yet another YA novel. I didn’t plan this I swear, they’re just great books. This one is contemporary fantasy, sort of. A girl and a boy from different worlds share a special link and do not fall in love with each other!

Another Country

by James Baldwin

I first read this in a literature class in college. I’ve now read it about 5 times. This was the first work of “literature” that I read that featured gay characters, and it changed me and continues to change me to this day.

The Whole Story and Other Stories

by Ali Smith

Ali Smith is a genius. And this is another book I read for a class but kept reading over and over. Her stories are insanely creative, mind-bending, and wonderfully crafted.

 

I could keep going on and on with great book recommendations, but celebrating diversity is about sharing and listening so everyone can be heard.

What are your favorites?

Invisible Ink

My eloquent sister on writing and where words go once they are written.

Brenna Layne

IMG_20160507_125618929Almost-invisible ink.

Novel-writing is an act of wild optimism. It is for any writer, I think, but particularly for those of us who aren’t published. When I begin writing, I write not for an audience, not even for myself, but for the story–because there is a story that wants to be told. When I revise, though, it is with audience in mind. Will my thoughts come across clearly, my images vividly? Are these characters believable, sympathetic, real?

The initial drafting is a kind of possession. The raw material of story seizes you, sinks its fingers into your windpipe, and refuses to let go. Revision is different–a smoothing, a subtle shaping of worked clay. The story is birthed and must now undergo its metamorphosis. This is the point, for me, at which audience truly begins to matter.

But here’s the rub–there is no audience. This is true for published writers as…

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Book Reaction: Star Maker

I have to admit, it was hard to get into this book. I have tried to read it twice before and ended up skimming both times. Star Maker was written in the 1930s and the language is often dry and difficult, and there is very little plot. This is definitely a work of science fiction, but more than anything it is a travel log of a disembodied consciousness’s journey through the cosmos. A majority of the “story” consists of long-winded descriptions of planets and species. These planets are bizarre, yet well-thought out. And although I said there is little plot, there is definitely a progression to the book that lead me to a very rewarding experience I completely missed out on when skimming it before.StarMaker-Cover
Now what makes me give this book five stars? It is mind-blowingly brilliant. It continually made me feel like I was learning things I shouldn’t know, like I was being let in on secrets of the universe that are typically invisible. I haven’t read anything like this in a long, long time. Star Maker is not a perfect book, and it is very challenging, but it is one of the greatest works of science fiction ever written, and it awoke a curiosity in me that I haven’t known since childhood, making me ask why, why, why?
If you want to enjoy this book, don’t come to it expecting a fast plot or an easy read. Come ready to challenge your perspective of the universe and ask questions you forgot you needed to answer.
5/5 stars

Out of joint

Brenna Layne

the time is out of joint~Shakespeare, Hamlet, I.5.190

Lately, the idea that I have anything to say feels patently absurd. It’s probably also patently absurd that I use expressions like “patently absurd.” My intention has been to post weekly, on Thursdays, and I’ve not been doing a fantastic job of it. Thursday slides closer and then slips by in the backwash of the week’s end, trailing a tinge of that quiet but uncomfortable remorse one feels when one promises oneself that one will do something and one doesn’t. That is a lot of ones, but I’m feeling archaic. The time is out of joint.

I went backwards in time on a 1920s steam engine last weekend in Buffalo, NY. I went backwards in time on a 1920s steam engine last weekend in Buffalo, NY.

Perhaps it’s autumn that does this, that works its strange magic through the waning days and lengthening nights. When the leaves flame out against the hillsides and the nights…

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Erasure

FullSizeRender[2]A couple months ago I turned 30. The big 3-0. All year I felt this impending milestone sinking on my shoulders and it made me question what I’d done with my first 30 years. Which led me to ask myself why I hadn’t achieved what I’d set out to do in my 20s, the major goals being to publish a novel and become fluent in a second language. As my 29th year burned to a close, I collected the last of the rejections on my novel and chalked it up as a loss. Which made me start feeling even worse about my other goal of learning a language. I wasted my 20s fueling a failed novel, and had nothing to show for it. All I had was a job I hated (that exacerbated the failure) and a lower than novice level understanding of Spanish, Japanese, Latin, and Portuguese.

Hitting 30 was one of the most depressing times of my life. I hadn’t done anything. And I blamed it all on the novel, on writing and how it had made me lose sight of my career and other ambitions.

It was dark times. Dark, scary times. I hit 30, totally unprepared with no seatbelt or parachute.

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The other side of my 30th birthday was just as dark and scary.

But shortly after, things started to get better. I revisited my second novel and let writing become an activity I enjoyed again instead of a means to an end (an end of failure slathered in sticky peanut butter and dusted in glitter). It’s got a long way to go, but Second Novel is going somewhere. And I’m going with it.

Almost exactly a month after my 30th birthday, I started a new job. This literally changed my life. My last job was emotionally draining and awful and the new one is busy and gets stressful, but it doesn’t make me feel completely awful, which is completely awesome. I have energy at the end of the day. I sleep well. I feel happy sometimes, actually most of the time — which is new.

FullSizeRenderThis newfound calm has led me to the decision to actually study Portuguese instead of just talking about it. I ordered a textbook online and was half excited and half disappointed yesterday when it arrived and I discovered the workbook was already filled in. Excited because it’s fun to see someone else’s mark on an object, and disappointed because how am I going to learn Portuguese if Sarah from Guelph already learned all the Portuguese out of this book?

Luckily, Sarah wrote her answers in pencil, so I went to grab an eraser, only to discover that I do not own a single eraser!!! When I thought about it, I realized I haven’t used a pencil at home or at work, probably since high school. On my desk at home I have a stein my sister brought me from Germany. It is full of blue pens, black pens, pens that FullSizeRenderlook like monsters, sharpies, and highlighters. Not a single pencil. My desk at work is covered in papers with pens sitting on top of them and rolling under them like snakes under leaves. My top drawer is full of a dozen backup pens. No pencils.

Throughout my school years I was something of a pencil fanatic (read into that what you will). I had an impressive collection of Yikes! designer pencils, mechanical pencils of all lead weights and materials, and many, many more pouring out of my backpack and Trapperkeeper.

I also had a collection of erasers. The boring pink trapezoids, a green one shaped like a brain (from Yikes!’ Fall 96 collection), erasers that looked like dinosaurs, and ones that sat atop my equally impressive pencils. I only used the pink utilitarian ones because I didn’t dare turn my favorites into rubber pulp. But I took comfort in the fact that I had an infinite variety of writing tools at my disposal — and also a limitless number of ways to correct any mistakes I happened to make.

In our youth we’re expected to write in pencil, to make mistakes, to have an eraser FullSizeRender[1]handy. But then as we get older there are no erasers. Time is always passing, and you come to learn that you can always make a second attempt but you can never have a complete re-do because what’s done is done and there’s no going back.

I know this now. But that didn’t stop me from buying an eraser today. I’m going to erase Sarah’s attempt to fill in the blanks, and I’m going to learn Portuguese!

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